I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
