Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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