Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
