My girlfriend figured out who you are.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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