yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
