You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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