the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
