I hate your face
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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