Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Umm I'm too high to move.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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