i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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