i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
