Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
false alarm, still single
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