cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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