Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Randomize
