does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
