it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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