I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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