If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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