I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
