you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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