you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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