Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
