im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize