did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
