Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
