He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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