I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
