can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I want is dick and wine.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
