Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
