This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
