Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
