eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
