Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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