Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I know her cup size but not her name....
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize