dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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