Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
