Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
