Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
