Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
