He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
