Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
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