JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
