you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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