Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
