Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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