After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
