I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
