I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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