Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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