Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
