Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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