I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
3 2 1 whiskey
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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