I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
